The Comfort of Shared Tears: My Path to Healing with Motherless Daughters

Sofia Nist and her mother, Laura.

Not even a month after I lost my mom, I wandered through Barnes and Noble. I meandered aimlessly through the different aisles and eventually found myself in front of the grief section. It was relatively small but it held one copy of Motherless Daughters. That’s me, a daughter without her mother. So there I was sitting on the floor, sobbing as I read the introduction, but I felt a strange sort of comfort. 

Yeah, you grow up with loss and grief in the background and it’s not a part of your world until it suddenly is. I was suddenly thrown into this reality without my mother, but here was this book with tons of stories about other women and their experiences. Knowing that there was a recognized community I could find solace in was that strange sort of comfort that I wasn’t truly alone.

My first call was Mother’s Day for Motherless Daughters 2023, which marked the second holiday after her passing and the first Mother’s Day without her. It felt like such a loaded, contradictory title. I had no idea what to expect. How do you celebrate a dedicated day for a person who’s gone?

In Hope’s Open Letter to Motherless Daughters, she dedicated a paragraph to those of us experiencing the first Mother’s Day.

“Doing is how you build resilience.”

Hope’s words resonated with me as they were a reflection of my mother’s own strength. She had a shirt she would often wear to chemotherapy appointments, saying “Resilient AF.” The idea of resilience, pushing through this pain, became a beacon of strength.

I joined the weekly calls in July 2023. I was hesitant at first, surrounded by diverse experiences while I was only a few months into grieving. The community was immediately welcoming and affirming.

Shortly after I joined, we spent the next few months focusing on the different age groups of loss. I found the ‘Loss under 12’ call immensely enlightening. As an educator, I have worked with several children that have experienced loss, in particular, a girl who lost her mom almost a year before I lost mine.

I have spent a significant amount of time with this little girl, crying in the back of the classroom together but also sharing stories about our mothers. I have told her about this group of women who are just like us, navigating life without their moms. She always lights up and is so eager to one day join the calls.

Future milestones terrify me. I used to get so excited about getting married, having kids, etc., yet now they are absolutely daunting. How do I get through these important life milestones without my mother?

Being a part of the community calls and listening to the other women share stories about their milestones is truly inspiring. Hearing their rituals and traditions about how they preserve their mother’s presence, especially with their own children, has given me hope about facing those anticipated milestones.

Christmas was my mom’s favorite time of year and her birthday is the day after Christmas. Navigating the first holiday season was extremely difficult. Going into stores was miserable, all of the Christmas decorations and music were constant reminders. The holiday season brought such heightened emotions, yet the community provided a lifeline that enabled me to reconnect with my mother during her favorite time.

I have an ongoing list of ideas that I have gathered from the other women that I use on birthdays, angelversaries, and other important dates. Even on days that simply suck, I try to incorporate something that makes my mom’s absence a presence.

I look forward to the calls each week, finding solace in a group of resilient women who know how difficult this is. Sharing tears, laughs, and realizations, the calls are a sanctuary where my feelings are validated and accepted. While I struggle with the unfairness of all of this, this group has provided me with empathy and comfort.

Grief is an incredibly isolating experience. I live two hours away from my family so I often feel like I am on my own little island. Friends, who have not experienced a significant loss, have expressed their discomfort and awkwardness around the subject, furthering the feeling of isolation.

The Motherless Daughters community has been the break in the isolating fog. Here, I have a space of consistent solace and strength. Here, my experiences are acknowledged and understood. Here, I am not alone.