Behind the Mask: Motherless Daughters and the Struggle with Imposter Syndrome

“Losing your mom can throw a wrench in your growing-up process.”

-Hope Edelman

It always surprises people when I admit that I still deal with Imposter Syndrome. Yes – even after writing eight books, traveling the world to speak, teaching for more than 25 years, and starting a company, I sometimes feel like I've somehow managed to fool everyone into thinking I know what I’m doing as an adult. 

But here's the thing: this feeling is completely real to me. And so much of my adult life has involved masking this feeling and trying to look like I feel as confident and competent as these accomplishments “should” have made me feel.

I think most of us, at some point, wonder if we're really cut out for all the big responsibilities that come with adulting. This doubt might hit anyone, but for those of us who lost our moms, it seems to hit a little harder.

Why is that? Well, for starters, losing your mom can throw a wrench in your growing-up process. Without a mom to show us the ropes or to model what being an adult looks like, we might feel like we're always a step behind our friends.

It can feel like a part of us is stuck back in time, trying to catch up because we missed out on some key life lessons.

Then there's the fact that many of us didn't have a mom to cheer us on as we hit those big life milestones. Without her there to acknowledge and witness our steps into adulthood, it's easy to feel like maybe we never quite made it there or did it right.

But recently, I've started thinking there's another big reason for these feelings. Many of us had to step into adult shoes far too early, taking care of things that kids or teenagers shouldn't have had to. While our friends got to ease into adult life slowly, we were thrown into the deep end, needing to figure out how to run a household or take care of our siblings overnight. 

That part of us really did have to grow up fast, which caused us to be out of sync with our friends.

I know I felt this way. At 17, suddenly I was the one making sure my younger brother and sister were taken care of on a daily basis, while trying to keep up with high school and college applications everything else. Part of me was proud to step up and get the job done, but a bigger part of me just wanted to be a normal teenager, not a stand-in mom.

That's probably why, even with all I've accomplished since then, a part of me still feels like that 17-year-old pretending she's got everything under control.

So, how can we get past this? Recognizing that we had to take on too much, too soon is the first step. Identifying what messages this instilled in us, and how those messages have been on a repeat loop and how that’s affected us is important, too. And then doing some reparative Younger Self work, to help that part of us that got stuck in the past feel safe and protected and able to grow up. 

It’s never too late to do this. I know it from my own experience, and from witnessing many other women bravely stepping into this work over the past 30 years. 

In our Motherless Daughters Community Calls and at Motherless Daughters Retreats, we talk about these things and more. We share, we listen, and we support each other through this process, and through many of the ups and downs of adult life without a mom.

These programs are all about bringing together women who understand exactly what it's like to go through life feeling like pieces of you got stuck in the past. We're here for each other, sharing our stories and finding ways to grow through what we've gone through.

If you're curious about our community and think it might help you, I'd love for you to join us on a call or at a retreat. Let's navigate this journey together. That’s how we can fill in the gaps and step fully into our adult selves, with help from friends who get it.