Finding Sanctuary in the Motherless Daughters Community

How did I find this group?

On Mother's Day 2022 - I was relentlessly searching for community. May is a very heavy month for me personally. Not only was my first Mother’s Day without my caring mother, Betty, but it was also US Nurses Week and her birthday was 2 days after Mother’s Day. May was my mom’s FAVORITE month - so I was in dire need of support.

Sandra and her mother, Betty.

My NYC Dinner Party group was on a hiatus. I was in another group with folks with varied losses – not specific to mother loss. I didn't have my siblings to rely on. The loss of my mom shattered our family dynamic. We also grieve differently so we are now estranged. I was looking for ANYTHING that would help me feel less alone.

 One of the grief pages I follow on social media (@goodmourning), shared Hope’s post about a free Mother’s Day event - A Worldwide Day of Remembrance: to honor mothers who are no longer living.  I signed up immediately.

Feelings during the call: SEEN. VALIDATED. GRATEFUL. 

After attending and learning more about this community - I knew I had to seek out the Motherless Daughters in my area, so I joined the NYC Facebook group. Upon joining, I saw that the next event would be the Mother's Day Remembrance, which was the following weekend. I was intrigued at the idea of doing this call again but in person with other women who understand and can hold space. I signed up. On the event page, I was shocked to find out it was the last day to sign for the brunch * gasp * so I hopped on it! I truly felt as though my mother guided me to this community. 

At the brunch I met many kind, thoughtful women, and Hope! It was there that I learned about the virtual global community calls - where they do more of this wonderful stuff – weekly! The consistent, specific support sounded amazing and exactly what I needed. But I didn’t join yet.

Joined yet?

I honestly was turned off a bit by the price. Even after hearing the experiences from some women at the brunch, I just wasn’t confident that I should invest my money or if I even had the time to attend every week. Reflecting on it now, I was in the throes of grief – not believing I was worthy of support. I felt abandoned by my siblings, friends, and folks that I thought would have been there for me. I was discouraged that investing my money into this would change any of the circumstances in my life at the time. However, at the Remembrance event, Hope mentioned that there were scholarships for BIPOC women. I thought it was a wonderful offering because the grief space is one where women of color are rarely seen. I was still nervous to apply. Questions that swirled in my head were:

What if I get rejected? What if there isn’t enough space for me? What if I’m the only black woman on the call?

Then I finally got the push to move forward. I scrolled on Instagram (of course), and saw a post on Hope’s page for the June Community Call topics. The 2nd week was scheduled to have BIPOC breakout room! I knew it was time to sign up. My mother’s one year death anniversary was also fast approaching in July and my therapist at the time was going on maternity leave. I believe the universe was leading me to join MDCC at this moment in my life. It was true alignment.

Sisterhood.

Since joining in June 2022, the Motherless Daughter community have become my sisters. I have gone through many milestones and firsts, in grief and in life. And one word that can encompass the support I received in this community is sisterhood. A quick glance at some tidbits in my life that this group held me through:

·   Engagement and wedding planning

·   First deathaversary (and the second)

·   Turned 30

·   Got married

·   Holidays and nurses week and mothers day

·   Just griefy days.  Because each day matters.

The Motherless Daughters Community really supported me through planning my wedding. 

NO ONE ELSE could truly understand the mental gymnastics I went through with even deciding to have a ceremony. Have a wedding? WITHOUT YOUR MOM? Why would any woman want to do that??

I had NO IDEA what to do. I was feeling so lost. The wishing, yearning, and longing for my mom’s presence – for some supportive female energy during this significant milestone -was so overwhelming at times.

I shared my intrusive thoughts and seemingly crazy concerns with my fellow motherless daughters and, in return – was offered sanctuary.

During the calls and on the Facebook page: I shared updates, asked for advice from other motherless daughters who have walked in my shoes, and received so many well wishes, positive intentions, AND great ideas.

It was this community that held me through other mini milestones that no one but this club would notice like wedding dress shopping and rsvp deadlines.

It was this community that held me through sibling tensions and managing guilt from that.

It was this community that not only validated my feelings of loneliness during my wedding planning process but cheered me on with the female energy I so desperately craved!

And it was for this community that when my big day came, I had to share pictures with my MD sisters first.

My two-year journey with grief had been an isolating one - and I found myself feeling alone, disconnected, and misunderstood with my family and friends. Motherless Daughters offered the sisterhood, safe space, and support - that with each weekly meeting - allowed my cup to overflow.

If you’d like to learn more about the Motherless Daughters Community Calls, click here.